Hey, People write these things, right? Anyway, I haven’t been doing much with this little site for a bit. why? well, I was trying to get back in touch with my emotions. Problem is, I succeeded. And as a result, I am Angry. terribly angry. A kind of burning rage that has no end. every moment, tainted with red.
Let me put it this way. My hand keeps curling into a fist, and my nails digging into my palm, leaving marks. . I don’t know how to deal with such a feeling. Almost everyone I know I can’t stand. “Oh, not more of your nonsense, they say.”
Why can’t you just talk like everyone else, about normal things? Well, I’m not normal! The Heck is normal anyway? frankly, normal Needs smashing into a million tiny pieces, and then stomped on, and put into a blender, and Eaten as a bitter smoothie! Yeah. sorry. Got a bit carried away there. guess this is a step in the right direction. Better in the light of day than lurking in the shadows of your mind, festering and growing, twisting your thoughts. and you would never even know… But now, It is out there.
You know, this is why I recommend one be aware of the risks of becoming too practised at meditation or “mindfulness” You can trick yourself into thinking you have achieved a kind of inner peace, when all you have done is float above your problems, looking from above. And is that really healthy? no. That is simply deceiving yourself. I had been doing it too.
I got far too good at Meditation, emptying my mind. there was nothing left. People asked if I was anxious in a crowd. No. I didn’t feel anything. Hollow. Empty. The Pain too much to bear. So I shut it away. Shut it all away, until my body literally began to stop working. Eventually, I could hardly move properly! Just remembering is bad enough.
More interestingly, Flicking through my diary I find that There is a few distinct “aspects” of myself present. One certainly writes like a girl, that’s for sure. Something about it has this Running quality. It just keeps going. Hard to explain. Not so structured. Maybe I should demonstrate:
Oh, so like, He’s mad! Wow. But hey, I’m kinda sad too. He rages at the world, while ask why? Why must we do it this way?
It wasn’t always this way. You know, everyone has this opposing side to themselves. In Jungian Psychology, they call it the animus and Anima respectively. Some people might conclude I was crazy. and honestly, If being not crazy means doing all the stupid things that Normal entails!
I’m sick of hearing people say that they don’t care what Others think! or that they are afraid. I do care. I am afraid. We all are! Courage isn’t about not being scared, or somehow just being amazing for no apparent reason. You do it despite it all, because your will is stronger. The Element of fire. Secret societies Honour the will. And for good reason. Not In the vein of the Phoney and Butchered “law of attraction”, but rather that One can cultivate self mastery, and through proper application, transcend your enviroment.
there was Another reason I haven’t been posting.
I’ve been playing a video game! Shocking, I know. Escaping reality certainly has it’s appeal. Usually I get bored in about an hour, and never come back. those virtual worlds have no allure for me. I can see their inner workings, see how shallow they are. So I don’t get lost in them. Apparently this is an exception.
Dark souls or something, It was called. The internet was going on and on about how hard it was a while ago, So I was curious, and picked it up on sale. And yeah, It was hard! Well, some parts the developers were clearly enjoying themselves way too much (there is a difference between fairly difficult and unfair!), but yeah. All in all, not as hard as people would have had me think.
Winning is quite cathartic. I guess That Now I’ve started, It isn’t about Enjoyment. It’s about proving something to myself. Pride, Honour. You know, those old things that are almost dead? I don’t really quite get why I do that..
Well, I’m not really sure what I’m meant to be doing. I suppose I will be more active soon. Just need to make sure I’m not just ranting and raving all the time. Well, Thanks for reading. I hope it was Helpful to some of you.