Sorry about the click-bait title, I honestly couldn’t come up with a good name to use. it will do. Last night, I was Ready to give up on life. Everything I have done this year felt like a gigantic waste of time. I’m still “in the closet” as people would put in regards to my identity.
It’s Long story, But I feel I need to share it (even If it is extremely personal), If I am to continue. Last Night, I went to the Christmas Carols for the first time ever. Why? Well, I’m not really sure. So many people there. some of whom I recognised. people I had met in the past, people I ‘knew’.
But do you know what? None of it means anything to me! none of it. I have nothing to say to them. Nothing. I feel empty inside. The person they know me as Is Dead. And I don’t know what that makes me now.
Emotions from past lives are flooding my mind, Clouding and disturbing it. I mourn for my lost city, my friends. The things I had. People who’s frequency was similar to mine. most people are a world apart from those like us. well, not all of them. It’s fascinating, really. I met someone who was extremely similar to me, and within an hour of spending time with them, they influenced me. I started swearing again. that made me really annoyed. it took months to stop. I never like doing it.
It just happens. human’s have a collective mind. and if you are on the same wavelength, it really kicks in. you become more like someone, and they become more like you. I would love to chat with them properly. But apart from that person, there is only 1 other I have met on the same level. They are a Reiki master. And a friend (my only friend), actually. (Duh!) so what If they are like 40 and I’m 19? Doesn’t bother me.
Everyone else I feel disconnected from. Playing a part. Acting. I’m tired of it. Now, I’m sure everyone feels this way to an extent. But not to the degree I do. Anyway, the Story.
I might as well explain why I don’t show my face here at the same time. Why? It isn’t my Face. that simple. It is the face of a boy, a young man. A rather handsome one at that, I must admit. now that something that’s really awkward. looking at the mirror and going: ooh, he’s sooo Cute! *ahem* and then I realise what I’m doing. The only thing that is mine is my Beautiful Dark Brown eyes. When I was younger, people would just melt under those. :). So innocent. So Deep. People have said I look like a deer in headlights, whatever that means.
Let’s just say that I was never the most boyish person. I cried alot, Squealed and screamed like a girl. didn’t like being man handled either. Although that was beaten out of us. literally. well, the details are not important. Eventually I was tired of hiding it. So I told Someone at school.
Not directly. I started by saying I was never really that interested in girls, and they delved deeper. And I told them everything. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of, let me tell you. The internet has some really messed up stuff on it. But It still disgusts me, to this day. so that’s something.
Anyway, one thing lead to another, And I ended up seeing some people. First, their Wife, who happened to be a counsellor. and they said they knew someone who dealt with this sort of thing. But it was nearly Christmas, and they were on holidays. fast forward a few months. That Christmas Nearly Killed me. I was alone. Utterly alone. I remember seeing a friend in January, and he said my heart was all warped and twisted from the ordeal. It was something that brings meaning to the words: One can only bear pain because they have no choice.
Eventually I met this Lady. She was a little bit odd, let’s say. after I got to know them, I said I wanted to change my gender (that is the way they put it). Anyway, It turns out that doing that involves going through all sorts of hoops. I had no idea. First one has to see A Psychiatrist who deals with this sort of thing. so we made an appointment. For December. When I heard this, I just fell apart. that was over 6 months away!
As I’m sure you are aware (Duh!), It’s December now. And I’ve been and done that now. It was a long trip. We ended up leaving at 7 in the morning, and getting back at eight in the evening. But In the end, It was a fruitless endeavour. The appointment was only an hour long, and they wasted so much time talking about irrelevant things.
We ran out of time, and they were happy to see me in 2 weeks. I wanted to laugh like a madman (or woman) at that point. That was Last Tuesday. (the 8th). At least the energy was nice there. Well, As per usual, I have to do things my way.
About 5 or 6 months ago I cast a spell on myself. Mind you, Are the Arcane arts a joke now? For kids who want to be mermaids and vampires? Waited till midnight, lit a candle. Made an invocation. I also have had to repeat my own invocations to keep the process going at any reasonable pace, I have found. It seems to have had some effect, but not as much as I would have liked. what I do know is this: My skin is softer, I have little buds on my chest, which often like to rather painfully remind me that this is actually working. so I say to hell with their system. I will do this alone. No more signing Forms, Filling them out. (giving them shape, power.) I would liken it to a wire-frame that only becomes solid once you give it permission. until then, they have no power over you. I signed it anyway, But spelt my name wrong on purpose. It’s something.
And that is what magic is all about. the Legal system is built around MAGIK binding you. A Legal Summons? It’s so blatant, once you know what to look for. a Cell? Charges? They are harvesting our energy! A battery is a crime? hah! Never-mind all that. I’m getting distracted. But that is of the utmost importance. someone has to take a stand.
So Now we are Here. As I said, I Ended Up going to the Christmas carol’s Last night. And I saw everything I had done the last year walking around, Talking, chatting to one another. And it meant nothing to me. They didn’t even have real candles. Instead, we had electrical ones. that’s pathetic. like plastic flowers on a grave.
I went there with my grandmother, sadly enough. We went home early, And I just fell apart. I didn’t need to pretend to be okay. my legs just buckled, and I stared at the stars, broken. I stayed that way for a bit, and decided to go for a walk. I was ready to die at that point. Tears streaming down my face. And do you know what I ran into
A Cat was Just sitting in front of me, Smiling, beckoning me to stay. A lovely Little ginger cat, with a stripy tail. (It was dark, I’m not 100% sure) It went round and round, as they do. I was speechless. So I cried some more. I was grateful beyond words. It was like It knew I would be there. So We sat there, watching cars go past. Eventually, as cats do, It got up and left. Not because It didn’t care, But It’s work was done.
Thank You. Truly and sincerely. And to anyone who thinks animals are dumb or stupid, or don’t have souls, I pity you. you are missing out on so much! Well, That was Quite intense. I cried writing this. And I think I feel better. But I’m not sure how much longer I can stay here.
Thanks For reading.