Apparently I’m not okay with being a boy…

So I’m sure this comes  as a suprise to literally none of you. You’re all like: Um ya.. No @!#$ Sage. I mean, just wow. Duh! I guess I thought I could handle it. Anyway, let me explain something. I’m a bit of a loner and tend to stay at home or go on walks in nature. neither of these things really have people pushing their stupid nonsense on me.

And by stupid nonsense, I mean calling me male, a boy, young man, and all of that. I’ve withdrawn so far into myself that most of the time it just bounces off the personality I have created for myself. a cocky, arrogant young man who doesn’t give a @!#$ about anything anyone thinks. But it is a lie. a total lie. But at the same time I have a sort of dual personality. but lately I realised that it wasn’t what I thought it was. I figured it was a male and female one. nope. It’s  a child personality and an adult one. Actually, My other half was almost finished writing a post about the same thing. But we had a little run in with some shoe shopping and it all just shut down. So I need to get my full driver’s licence. my grandmother is helping me with that. And she figured it was a waste to just drive around for the sake of it. We ended up going round to various nurseries looking for gardening shoes. first we went to a hardware store.

Nyanko Sensei
Hehehe. It’s from a show called Natsume yujin cho. I really liked it, soo I bought it. last one too.

Sloggers or something. Tried on a few sizes. all too big. all men’s shoes. tried a women’s’ shoe. too small. Sigh. I hate this. so I kinda started shutting down a bit. fast forward a few places, And I was Done. I said I was tired but that was a lie. I just… I think I need a hug or something. but that’s what stuffed toys are for. 🙂Aataa

It just hurts in a way that I can’t explain or bear. I guess the nail in the coffin was looking at a picture of the “real” me against a picture of one of my in-game avatars and just looking at the fake me and kinda just wanting to hug the ‘fake’ me. Chances are it probably looks like I should have. but way more awesome and stuff. But I guess I’m pretty handsome so who knows? I probably am quite the looker haha. Oh, Here’s the thing I was talking about. I’m not showing you a picture of me cause It hurts to look at. So why the heck haven’t I transitioned yet?

I’ve been afraid that no matter how hard I tried I still would look horrible. and honestly, I could get FFS (facial feminization surgery) if I still looked ugly except I don’t want anything to do with surgery. very dangerous business. one slip and there goes a nerve. can’t feel your face.

I bet most of you haven’t heard of that one. 🙂 but what would I know? *Sigh.* I’m so full of it. I’m not really full of myelf. I’m a pisces for crying out loud! (ps: astrology is more complicated than that) but you didn’t hear that from me. oh god he’s coming back. Nope. “have you been telling people that you’re actually super sensitive”? “Nope” “Mkay then. Just keep on being dashingly handsome and stuff.

hehe. Sorry. I’m so sick of having a broken mind. So I make fun of it at every opportunity. I would swear I was totally okay with my appearance a few weeks ago. But not now. honestly. so over this.

I guess I should start transitioning then. Also, screw waiting another 6 or 7 months to see the dump psycologist again. I’m taking it into my own hands. serious buisness this is. I’m going to go. can’t stand thinking about it anymore. Oh, and this way I can change my bone structure. That’s pretty awesome if you ask me. And for all you naysayers kindly explain why my face hurts? it just needs my dedication and hard work. which it has not got as of yet.

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Apparently I’m not okay with being a boy…

  1. In my humble opinion, the only person who has any right to make decisions over your life is you. Being trans in NOT a mental condition, Try to take hormones with your medical doctors support and with routine blood tests, your life is precious. The decision is yours. We have only one life. Good luck

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m not talking about the trans being a mental thing, but rather the things that can come along with it. dissociation, multiple personalites and that sort of thing. It’s a bit of a total mess. Plus I’m more inclined to identify as neither gender in the first place. but people can’t handle that.
    In Australia there are so few people that deal with this sort of thing and the waiting times are so absurdly long. I see no reason not to persue other methods in the meantime?
    But thank you for taking the time to say that. I really appreciate it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh dear, I think a bit of my issues with psychiatrists got into my response to your post. I do identify as female though born male. In the UK the usual route to hormones and maybe SRS is via Gender Identity Clinics, staffed largely by shrinks. Waiting times exceed 13 months for first appointment plus another six for second, at which time they may or may not decide to allow you hormones. I’ve found a wonderful female doctor who treats me as an adult that knows her own mind and issues me with the hormones I need. But I am one of the lucky ones.

      Wishing you the very best

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Be careful love. Pursuing hormone treatment outside the normal channels is dangerous. You can get sick, experience organ failure, and even die if you’re not careful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hate to admit it, But you are probably right. I do need to be careful. It’s kinda like: don’t try this at home kids! I’m a profesional… (which I am NOT LOL!) Truth be told I’ve been toying with all sorts of different stuff over the last year or so. all of it has worked a little. it’s why I can’t sleep on my tummy without my ‘chest’ hurting. sigh.

      Liked by 1 person

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