Do you know what the first word I would use to describe modern society? It’s full of Noise. That’s probably a totally “aspie” way of looking at it though. And when the internet is concerned it goes way beyond that. so many souls clambering to be heard and does anyone try to listen? no. They clamber on as well. I see it on here, my own blog. I see it in the people I meet, on the forums I read, and the comments on videos. I see it everywhere.
I have been writing about my gender issues (my body does not match my mind) which can become so painful that I can’t describe it other than just… Nevermind. And all people are interested in doing is assuring themselves that they are ‘ladies’ as well. and if I wasn’t managing it right now how do you think I would feel? (And why is it that you need to assure yourself? this is my main problem with affirmations.)
Not very good, I would imagine. But words cannot describe such a thing. and they would do it a disservice. and that is why I prefer silence. nobody can take that from you. The mind is a strange thing. I’m not angry with anyone. not at all. unless it is deserved. that is for you to decide. cast your own judgement. But do you know what else is true? There is too much meaningless chatter that goes on. it is not healthy. I have been known to have what they call ‘meltdowns’ when overwhelmed by things. it isn’t like a tantrum. it’s something you can’t control.
But that isn’t what I’m talking about. my point is, that most of you filter out most of what your senses tell you. I see most if not all of it. Ever tried to stay sane when you can hear 3 or more conversations at once? and you are flitting between them at dizzying speeds. The brain can’t handle it. not these ones, anyway.
The only reason I can walk into a supermarket or a busy shopping centre is because I have learned shielding techniques, aka putting up a bubble. I miss being able to just lose it like that. I feel so twisted inside right now. and when I eat sweet things I can literally feel my head tingling and fogging over. so I’m feeling really lousy right now. But I need to get this off my chest. So my point is this: If I get like that what do you think is happening to everyone else without them realising it? One needs to cultivate a certain inner stillness.
I’m feeling a strong urge at the moment to cut all ties with everything and just disappear for a while. I think It needs to be done. no internet, no computer, no people. Just me. But before I do so, Let me finish what I wanted to say.
I hear so many teenagers and the like utter these words: “Nobody understands me””Nobody Cares about me” “Nobody Listens to what I have to say” And various other forms of what are essentially the same thing. But you try anyway. They go to people and clamber to be saved. please, please, someone save me from my troubles. Take the weight of the world off my shoulders. and for some reason they are surprised when people want none of it. and maybe these people are really rather horrible and selfish?
That’s the way most people are these days. I have been rather shocked at the lack of compassion displayed by people of late. let me give you an example: I was attending a drama class and there was this game, Life is strange. This guy was talking about how lovely it was to get to know all the characters and their stories and all the rest of it. awww. how nice, right?
No. Because do you know how they treated real people? “I didn’t ask to hear your life story, thanks.” along with this gem: Why should I care? they are just going to leave at the end of the year anyway.” Ugh. everyone leaves sooner or later. I think it is lovely to watch them come and go. all things pass in time.
So many people walk in and out of your life, but some forget to wipe their feet and leave muddy footprints everywhere. And things are never the same again.
tears are not a sin. the roses come and go. is the withering so ugly to you? There is a simple truth in it.
So why do you need anyone to understand you? why do they need to hear the troubles in your heart? Why do you need to scream them to the world? what is it that you are so afraid of missing? I only created this blog because I literally was going crazy because I couldn’t express myself. it was meant as a venting space. and as such, much of what I have written in the past is extremely toxic and angry. But the saddest part of all of it? I never meant any of it. I’m terrible at expressing myself properly. I never would want to hurt anyone. not even those mean people who would tell me I am an abomination for what I am. They do not hate. they are afraid. or just misinformed usually both.
Take this post of mine for example. ugly thing it is (Please Don’t read it, I would die of embarrasment!, it explains my point wonderfully. now, the wonderful thing know as context is not apparent when reading this. but at the time I was desperately waiting for an appointment to see a psychiatrist in december and really had nothing else to live for but to hold on until then. I should really take all my old ones down. grasping at straws, indeed. but I feel it should be left as is.
I’ve made a terrible mess of things in the past. There is one blog I have been frequenting lately. Josie’s world. Given some advice and just gotten to be accepted as a she for once. I’m Androgonous (male and female) though. anyway, she was really angry about someone’s post they wrote. Hurtful posts
Oh, and here is the Thing in question. I am saddened because their conclusion stems from materialistic assumptions that are utterly wrong. If anyone wants me to explain this further I am more than happy to, but I need to cut down on my word count. but just reading the comments of other people who tried to speak some sense into them one thing is obvious: they are not listening and dragging everything down to their level. any point worth making is ignored.
So as tempted as I was to say something, I didn’t. That is why so come here and don’t comment. they understand and respect the unspoken bond between us. and do you know what I’m tired of seeing? people with tears in their eyes. for so many reasons. but they neeed to be spilled. Go home and be upset. really. then come here. no matter how long it takes. I did it at the end of last year. made a terrible mess. but I’m better now.
You don’t need people to understand. and why do you want them to? all they do is reduce things to mere words and scoff and sully them. Who wants that? In any case, I have a terrible headache and a serious case of wanting to withdraw from the world.
I need to rest.