Transititioning, Ponytails, Clothes , and other stuff!

I’ve not been very well lately, but today I’m a bit better. I think when I told you all a bit about my past it brought it all back.  And When I say I’ve not been feeling very well, I mean full-blown dysphoria and stuff. Some of you will know what I mean. I’ve been resting.

06L09_PAB
The thing in question.

Oh, and some clothes I ordered arrived in the mail.

I was snickering to myself about how creepy I was because I bought a stripy sweater. What a freaky person I am! What a monster. 😛 I mean, gosh I’m boring. No spikes, No Leather, no nothing. what’s the world coming to?

Oh, and the top beneath it has weird things coming out of the shoulders. What are those for? kinda like little fabric loops.  Some things are shrouded in mystery…  Oh dear. Where was I? Oh. I was just rambling. Ok then! Hey, Why is everything in black these days? It is super depressing. And from what I’ve read in the past it actually saps our energy. and colours are useful after all!

I would imagine this sweater would have a similar effect. Oh, and I got some hair ties. After about 3 years of growing my hair out I can finally put it in a ponytail! But It hurts when I do it. all this is new to me. Maybe I can have it looser? Oh, and shopping for womens clothing is confusing. I see a red one, and I look for red in the options right? Red is nowhere to be found. Huh? And all the colours are weird names like cherry, khaki, plum and whatnot. Apparently cherry is red. I mean, it makes sense to do it that way. red could be any number of different shades.

Anyway, I’m feeling a bit lost. Truly. I don’t really know what I should get or anything at the moment. Tucking is an issue, and I don’t really want to get skinny jeans or legging for obvious reasons. I was considering investing in some gaffs as well. I found a nice site for them.

For those of you who remember me mentioning me toying with alternate methods of transition, I have an update! Things are doing stuff. But I don’t want to gross you out. But we have had some shrinking going on (of the genitals). and I would swear our hips (the bones) are getting bigger, if only slightly.

I mean, I just don’t know what to get. And clothes are so expensive! especially when you have to go searching for tall variants of everything. Why does it have to be so darn difficult? I just wish I could find someone who could sit down with me and help me pick some things (hint hint people who live where I live) I.. Just wish it didn’t have to be this way. I just feel like a freak sometimes. my hands are so big and horrible. my nose is the hugest thing. I have so much body hair it makes me just shut down. and my shoulders? They are so wide.

I didn’t want to say these things here. I really didn’t. But where else can I? My family wants none of it. I told my father and all he “disapproves” fast forward to 6 months later and he just pretends it never happened. And my mother just doesn’t agree and disregards it. My sister is similar. every time I mention buying this sort of thing she suggest that perhaps I shouldn’t and buy guy’s clothing instead because they will fit properly and I can wear them. and perhaps there is some truth in it. Some people are supportive. not my family though.

And I suppose the changes I’m going through are throwing me around like crazy. I’m tired of people telling me these things are impossible. I can channel energy through my hands for crying out loud! And I don’t really have much choice.  After that everything seems less crazy. also, reiki is great for starting lawnmowers that are stubborn.

I’m so full of it. Who am I anyway? I feel torn between 2 selves. On one side You have a thing that really isn’t of this world. And then you have me. I pretend to be so above it all, and the reality is I’m as fragile as they come. someone criticised something I wrote and I was upset for a week! actually it was more that they were dishonest with me about it. Instead of just saying that they squirmed and beat around the bush.

I even have voices in my head. Fragments of myself telling me not to post this. Telling me it is inappropriate. Maybe they are right. Maybe. But guess what? I’m in charge here, and This can always be taken down later. Apparently It will be too late by then. 🙂

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10 thoughts on “Transititioning, Ponytails, Clothes , and other stuff!

  1. Your honesty in your blog touches me and makes me look forward to reading your posts. My heart goes out to you as you transition. Your courage inspires me. thank you for posting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wait. Am I not supposed to be this honest? Woops. People are wierd! I mean, why wouldn’t I be honest about it?
      On the other hand, people yelling homo at me when out in public (I don’t know why? Hell, they certainly are not wrong.) isn’t very encouraging. I don’t want to do it until I have worked on my voice though. that is the most important part as far as I am aware. get that down, and congitive dissonance will work in your favor 🙂 People only see what they want to see.

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      1. Of course people want you to be honest but so few people are honest, even bloggers because of that when a writer writes as honestly as you do it stands out.

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  2. Ahhhh! There is so much stuff with fashion! Mind. Melting. Send help….. Not but really why is it so convaluted? I mean, Bootleg, V-necks, Low cuts, Awrikjaolergijkalergnalrgn…

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  3. The little ribbon loops at the shoulders of your sweater are for hooking it onto a hanger, so it doesn’t slip off – or maybe to attach it to your wings…?!

    Just love yourself, Sage. Love your SELF – all of it. I have a friend who transitioned some years ago. She’d had a wife and daughter (who amazingly and wonderfully stood by her and still live with her). She’s 6ft 4 and yes her hands are huge and so forth but she has just embraced her entirety and used the challenge of transformation into her new physical self as an enriching experience. I’m not saying she didn’t find the actual process fiendishly difficult, mind. She did.

    She wears long blond or auburn wigs and layers of long, beautifully embroidered robes and carries a huge staff. She sometimes tops it all off with a WWI pilot’s helmet and goggles. That’s not a suggestion for your own fashion choices! My point is, she looks at every potential garment and doesn’t think, “What would people think/say?” or “Should I wear this?” She thinks, “Does this garment express who I choose to be at this point in my incarnation and make my heart swell with joy?” If it does, she buys it.

    Did I mention that this friend is also Aspergers, brilliant and incredibly spiritually gifted? You’re not alone.

    Blessings x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ohhh. so that’s what they are for. right.
      It’s really easy to say that but so hard to actually do. Wow. She sounds amazing! And I’m only 6/1 (I think) so I guess that’s not as bad. It has come to my attention that I can change them via altering reality. So that’s a plus. but even then it will take months. And me being adhd is terrible at finishing anything. so yeah. you figure out the problem here. sigh. I think this is one of those rare cases where the medication did actually work as advertised.

      Using wigs instead of growing their hair? are they going bald? Who knows.
      Wow. Where on earth did she find robes!? And A staff? I’ve been wanting those for forever! The ww1 helmet and googles I’m not so sure about… But honestly! I need to know where on earth they found robes! It’s important. Cause I want them too. I don’t really think much of all this modern stuff to be honest.
      And I may have mentioned there is actually a science to colours and shapes and clothing. you all have forgotten it.

      I’ve been missing my staff. I want it back.
      Oh, and I’ve been wondering about female aspies. It seems different in a way I can’t quite put my finger on. your thoughts?
      But I’m really glad you told me that. I guess I’ve been tired of everyone only seeing the things they want to see.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I live in Glastonbury – Isle of Avalon – hippy centre of the world! If you walked along the main shopping streets here you’d be speechless! Every other shop – literally – sells robes, staffs and so forth. Also incense and candles. Not a lot else. You can’t buy socks, spoons or cooking pots here! I guess it’s different where you live…

        So you need to hunt down pagan wear, wiccan robes, robes for rites etc. online. Staffs similarly, or head off into woodland, cut a branch and carve your own. My friend’s has a goat’s head on the end. She calls it (him, actually!) Capricorn and has long conversations with him.

        I like what you say about a science to colours and shapes and clothing: sounds very plausible.

        Female aspies? Yes, I’m sure there are differences. When I worked in the specialist unit for kids with communication issues, about 85% of our intake was male, but the few girls who did turn up were – more complex somehow. They didn’t fit the patterns I’d grown used to. They were far harder to ‘read’. Not something I’m an expert on, as most of those I got to know well were boys.

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      1. This is the person I was talking about. I’m not sure she’d see herself as aspie – some people can get quite sensitive about that label – but you may find her an interesting person to communicate with – in many respects.

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