I’ve not been very well lately, but today I’m a bit better. I think when I told you all a bit about my past it brought it all back. And When I say I’ve not been feeling very well, I mean full-blown dysphoria and stuff. Some of you will know what I mean. I’ve been resting.
Oh, and some clothes I ordered arrived in the mail.
I was snickering to myself about how creepy I was because I bought a stripy sweater. What a freaky person I am! What a monster. 😛 I mean, gosh I’m boring. No spikes, No Leather, no nothing. what’s the world coming to?
Oh, and the top beneath it has weird things coming out of the shoulders. What are those for? kinda like little fabric loops. Some things are shrouded in mystery… Oh dear. Where was I? Oh. I was just rambling. Ok then! Hey, Why is everything in black these days? It is super depressing. And from what I’ve read in the past it actually saps our energy. and colours are useful after all!
I would imagine this sweater would have a similar effect. Oh, and I got some hair ties. After about 3 years of growing my hair out I can finally put it in a ponytail! But It hurts when I do it. all this is new to me. Maybe I can have it looser? Oh, and shopping for womens clothing is confusing. I see a red one, and I look for red in the options right? Red is nowhere to be found. Huh? And all the colours are weird names like cherry, khaki, plum and whatnot. Apparently cherry is red. I mean, it makes sense to do it that way. red could be any number of different shades.
Anyway, I’m feeling a bit lost. Truly. I don’t really know what I should get or anything at the moment. Tucking is an issue, and I don’t really want to get skinny jeans or legging for obvious reasons. I was considering investing in some gaffs as well. I found a nice site for them.
For those of you who remember me mentioning me toying with alternate methods of transition, I have an update! Things are doing stuff. But I don’t want to gross you out. But we have had some shrinking going on (of the genitals). and I would swear our hips (the bones) are getting bigger, if only slightly.
I mean, I just don’t know what to get. And clothes are so expensive! especially when you have to go searching for tall variants of everything. Why does it have to be so darn difficult? I just wish I could find someone who could sit down with me and help me pick some things (hint hint people who live where I live) I.. Just wish it didn’t have to be this way. I just feel like a freak sometimes. my hands are so big and horrible. my nose is the hugest thing. I have so much body hair it makes me just shut down. and my shoulders? They are so wide.
I didn’t want to say these things here. I really didn’t. But where else can I? My family wants none of it. I told my father and all he “disapproves” fast forward to 6 months later and he just pretends it never happened. And my mother just doesn’t agree and disregards it. My sister is similar. every time I mention buying this sort of thing she suggest that perhaps I shouldn’t and buy guy’s clothing instead because they will fit properly and I can wear them. and perhaps there is some truth in it. Some people are supportive. not my family though.
And I suppose the changes I’m going through are throwing me around like crazy. I’m tired of people telling me these things are impossible. I can channel energy through my hands for crying out loud! And I don’t really have much choice. After that everything seems less crazy. also, reiki is great for starting lawnmowers that are stubborn.
I’m so full of it. Who am I anyway? I feel torn between 2 selves. On one side You have a thing that really isn’t of this world. And then you have me. I pretend to be so above it all, and the reality is I’m as fragile as they come. someone criticised something I wrote and I was upset for a week! actually it was more that they were dishonest with me about it. Instead of just saying that they squirmed and beat around the bush.
I even have voices in my head. Fragments of myself telling me not to post this. Telling me it is inappropriate. Maybe they are right. Maybe. But guess what? I’m in charge here, and This can always be taken down later. Apparently It will be too late by then. 🙂