I’m starting to figure out who I am.


Where to begin? I don’t know! Things are a bit stressful at the moment and yet I find that I’m learning so much. Like I figured Out I’m a girl and not a boy a long time ago (like before puberty). Now I’m figuring out exactly what kind of girl I am. I mean for example, I bought skinny jeans about a year ago. Not because I liked them, but because I always saw girls wearing them and I was soooo curious about how they felt to wear! I needed to know! It was important.

And naturally that came with an assortment of difficulties wearing them with certain additions that would not normally be there. And I didn’t even like the colour! and they restricted my movement, not mentioning the fact that It leaves nothing to the imagination. It makes me feel exposed! Those are grave sins, mind you. Especially stopping freedom of movement. And I wore them anyway. Cause It was that or those… other things *shudder* I still feel uncomfortable even looking at them. but I have better, less horrible boys jeans now. I can at least wear those without being on the verge of tears.

*shudder* I also have realised I’m deathly afraid of showing skin. Combine that with my disastrous reaction to the mention of anything related to ‘abuse’ I’m getting the impression that I’m clearly traumatized. Woot. not that I remember. It’s not like pretending to be fine when I’m not is hard. I’ve gotten incredibly good at it. I can hear myself in the back of my mind screaming so to speak (fragmented Psyche.)

What other silly things did I get? Oh, that’s right. Gosh I was an idiot! Hello hello kitty. And what’s that fancy stuff called? langerae? Or whatever it is called. Yeah. I’ll let you put 2 and 2 together. Also, Who knew you needed a laundry bag to wash some things? But I realise now I don’t care for that sort of thing. I have a few criteria for the things I wear: Is it comfy? Does it restrict my movement? Is it flowy and amazing and oh god I’m an idiot please send help.

Oh, and wether or not some dastardly fiend has stolen the pockets from me. Nooo! My pockets! Don’t Take them Away!  Oh, but I think I will my dear. bwa bwahahhahaa… *fades into the distance*. O_O. Sorry. My bad. I mean, Umm what? Do people really think (or actually do it) that women dress to attract men? Ya. No. Not very often. Hey, I seem to be drawn to chinese things. Not intentionally  but It just appeals to me. And the funniest thing is that they have things you would never expect.

So, seeing as I like pictures why don’t I show you what I mean? (and gosh I’m good at pretending to be a girl. *snickers*) Oh, and There are entire sites dedicated to selling stuff! Wait. You know what I meant!. I’m in second puberty and not thinking straight. ‘Etsy’ or something. Go have a look at my favorites if you want. I always thought I didn’t care about anything. I guess I was looking in the wrong places…

Plus, It’s genius! Cause loose-fitting clothing will hide my figure (or the lack thereof) and all the rest of it. And the whole point of transitioning was to be myself! and if I buy things I hate again It will just living a different sort of lie. The thing society demands I be. And screw that! Let me give you an example. Wedding dresses. The modern wedding dress I would not be caught dead in. It does not appeal to me at all. (shows too much skin among other things) But There are older more traditional styles from other cultures that I actually adore.

In for a penny in for a pound right? No point in half measures. Say, How do you know if you are attracted to guys or not? It’s so embarrassing! I don’t really care about people’s bodies but sometimes they are really charming and I find myself just… Falling for them? Is that the word? Say, It happened to me while playing a game called transistor yesterday. (it was on sale, okay! Like, 5 dollars from 20.)

You play as Red, The woman in the picture there. The guy died and now is in the sword for the game and talks to you. And you can’t speak because they took your voice. Try and keep up 🙂

So I found myself getting rather attached to the male companion I had. Really attached. Even worried about him in one part where he starts going a bit strange (I was like noooo! Don’t go…) It’s not fair! I will never get smitten. Honest! Say, Is it normal to be emotionally attracted rather than physically? (just curious) Sigh. Though that might be partially because of the hormones. And I seem to have to be really careful what I eat or I start feeling really terrible.
More so than ever before. Sweets have lost their allure. Healthy things taste delicious to me. Except for things like carrot sticks and salad. I’m not used to it I struggle with it. That has more to do with my spiritual nature and development though I would imagine. My body has a different metabolism to most people. Very different. it is very sensitive and can’t handle any pollutants or junk very well.


5 thoughts on “I’m starting to figure out who I am.

  1. Is it even possible who or what oneself is? Haha this Alan Watts got me.
    It’s like a fire cannot burn itself, nor can a knife cut itself. I hope you get what I mean. We’re kinda so many things not only ourself but things other people want us to be like parents, friends, society and so on. That’s all us, lately I’ve been asking myself a lot what we really are, but I don’t have a real answer on that we’re all.

    Enjoy the chinese clothes, I also do like looking at Asian culture haven’t really tried them out. I buy stuff and wear it for like ages, just because I don’t look/find good stuff.

    What is normal? 😛

    Namaste 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know what you mean. there is the strange paradox of being and not being. being both detatched and in the moment and any other such seeming contradictions. I guess When I say I’m figuring out who I am I mean what just my personality and my astetics tastes and whatnot.
      I also remember that trying to rid yourself of the sense of self is a contradiction. it is a selfish enevour!
      As for what you are talking about? I also remember watts saying that you had to come home and work the fields when you are finished. but you take something with you.

      I guess I don’t think it needs an answer. the answer is beyond words and cannot be spoken. it is a state of being.
      THe funny thing about me is that most people try and understand the divine while I’m trying to figure out how the heck living on earth works haha.

      I will hopefully enjoy the clothes but we need to buy soo many things. sigh. replace our entire wardrobe and whatnot.

      Normal what we are supposed to be hehe. Eccentric is what I am.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your post was positively lovely. to read. Your writing is so warm and fuzzy,you seem soo approachable soo hugable. Keep writing and keep opening up.


    1. Yayyyy!!! It means so much to me. Really. But I hope I’m not infecting everyone with my terrible grammar and use of commas and fullstops.
      And yes! hugs.
      I’l keep at it, don’t you worry. Unless the real world and my childish nature get me in trouble.

      Liked by 1 person

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