So I’ve learned something I was already pretty aware of. But this time its flying in my face in a way I feel like getting off my chest. Gosh. First of all you have to understand that for the last 2 years I have had somewhat of a split personality. The anima and animus so to speak. And while I do enjoy feminine pursuits there is a point where I honestly find myself out of my depth and wondering what on earth this nonsense is. I suppose some things are cute and pretty but I can’t let that cloud my vision.
(I promise I will get to the tomboy part in a minute. Honest!)
What you have been hearing of late is a fragment that is relatively young and honestly has been repressed to the point where emotionally it is still a child. Me speaking now is the ‘main piece’ of myself that is actually grown up and experienced life in full. There are many others. perhaps I will explain why I have them later. (basically the trauma from my dysphoria made something snap.) Just wanted you to understand that first. And when I get upset my ‘inner child’ goes away and hides. maybe another name for it would be an alter ego? That would be about right. I can still hear her if I listen to the chatter. I mean, it’s not like It would be totally terrible to tell them. Right? Stuff like that. But after all this time I’m starting to get more and more control over all this. before it really was a full-blown dissociative mess.
Gradually we are starting to pick up the pieces. The more we accept our feminine side the more it seems to heal. But where was I? Oh. Right. Tomboy. I guess I was musing on the idea that if I was born a girl I would likely be percieved that way. See, I hate being shoehorned into anything. And while I like dolls and whatnot I always loved to swing sticks around and dash around like crazy and wear capes and yell wooosh! Oh. and trucks and trains were always really cool. And I hate any kind of clothing that isn’t practical (why can’t you mix form and function? I don’t get it.). wear shoes that hurt to look good? umm.. no.
And When I think of what kind of body I would have as a girl it seems to turn out rather… boyish? Don’t laugh. Hips? eh. Breasts? Wouldn’t want anything more than a B cup. Might even be content with only a measly A cup.
But having none is kinda sad. I just hate everything above my waist for being to big and masculine. It’s almost like I had the perfect body I wanted and then it got stretched and warped into what it is now. Or maybe that stupid chinup bar I bought and used made it that way. I hate myself for doing that. From what I have read exercise can alter development in varying ways.
So That’s all for now folks! OR whatever you are supposed to say. Sleep is really important and stuff so Yeah.