Learning to walk away.

pPeople seem to love constantly pestering me to do things their way. And I’ve always “stubbornly” done my own thing. “Why are you so black and white? the real world doesn’t work that way.” Are you on Facebook?” “What kind of music do you listen to?” “what do you mean you think the LGBT movement is misguided?

Anyone who reads my blog probably has noticed that I don’t lie. Ever. Period. At least not in this persona. What I have done and will probably continue to do is BEND the truth. Let me give you an example: Went to a gone out to a girls group (someone thought I could learn something. they were mistaken.) and they offered to straighten my hair, right? This interests me on one level just for curiosity’s sake. After all, I’ve never done that before. But on another, A hair straightener literally heats up the hairs and no doubt damages the structure contained therein. So I said okay with some misgivings

As it turns out this lady has serious problems with projection, anxiety, and self-justification, and all sorts of other stuff. She told me once: Oh, Clients can’t tell when I’m anxious.” Mind you, it was glaringly obvious. She fiddled with her necklace like anything business.  I pointed this out to her with predictable results.

Now, I’m not the kind of person to judge people based on anything. After 4 or 5 years in a special education class I’m beyond caring what you look like or how you sound. However! That does NOT mean that I want anything to do with certain kinds of people. If people smoke and you hear their justifications about how everyone gets sick eventually, or how they care for the environment but not enough to do anything. “I’d like to eat healthy but I can’t afford it?” Nonsense!

I have all the empathy in the world for you. And My way of caring is to tell you that’s ‘bullshit’ and to come off it! And feel free to call me on mine. My mother loves to do that. “you stink!” “Your shirt is covered in food!” “Don’t play dumb with me! You’re very capable” I like it that way. Tell me the hard truths, no matter how much they hurt. Because I want to be the best I can be. Someone commented 20 days ago on a post of mine. I’m still pondering it right now as I write this. How can I balance self with other? It’s really hard to be genuine. I’m not some kind of fake. Oh, the messy room I live in and the washing on the floor. the computer that is over 5 years old and runs like a snail. (I turn it on and go have a shower. Works fine.)

I guess I’m frustrated by people who tell me I’m out of line when It’s glaringly obvious to me that they are the ones at fault. Yes, I have many, many flaws. yes, I’m lazy. Yes, I’m unemployed. Yes, I live with my father. Yes! So what? I’m someone who’s been thrust into adulthood while never experiencing the world at all. My very body is alien to me and in order to make it through the day I dissociate to a degree. I don’t have the energy to do much anymore.

But we all face trials and ordeals and sometimes the burden is too much to bear. So perhaps it is time to move on? though I’m not really sure how to do that when I can’t communicate to people very well or just walk into a new place without somone coming with me. The last few times i went and did it anyway there were disasterous consequences. Fear exists for a reason. we hesitate because it keeps us safe. And I’ve managed to go to the other extreme. No tags today. Just a post. I’m going to go think.

I need a holiday.


4 thoughts on “Learning to walk away.

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