What would It be Like to feel again?

Tears, Why won’t you fall? 

Heart, Why won’t you beat? 

Mind, why can’t you feel?

Legs, Why Won’t You fall?

I’ve had some really rough things happen lately. Without going into exactly what or why, suffice to say It’s reminded me that I’m an emotional trainwreck. But at the very least, I’ve felt something again. Not today though. I suppose the best way to describe my current mood would be melancholic. My posts for months now have been utter rubbish that are shallow and stupid (thank you for calling me out).  Well, to tell you the truth I’m afraid. Why? I guess my sense of self is rather fragile. What makes a person a person? All this isolation makes one rather strange. I hear about elections and people are acting like voting actually decided the outcome. Sigh.. And when it isn’t that It’s Superheroes or the latest movie or whatnot. I can’t even bring myself to hate it.

What part of me is actually me? Or just an act? I know this is, but what about the rest? I keep being told I have things to teach the world but all I want to scream at the world in general is: Why can’t you just leave me alone!!? AFTER All I’ve Been through? Why should I owe you anything…?  But every time I think that another voice replies: “It has nothing to do with owing. This is your path. You cannot run from it. And I think, deep inside you know you don’t really want to.” Though some people might find that disturbing, if you ever took the time to listen you would notice that there are many streams  (external, internal, etc)of thought running inside your mind. You are just an observer, in the eye of the storm. (what they call mindfulness now is a perversion of spiritual practice) You learn things from practicing meditation. I really should start again.

Though I think this is how this whole dissociative mess started in the first place! I got way too good at controlling my emotions. But gender dysphoria left unchecked was causing me to have mental breakdowns. I won’t bother to elaborate. I don’t want any drama. I suppose I’ve kept everything to myself because nobody seems to care. And why should they? And even if they did, what then? Are they going to wave a magic wand and kiss me better like one would a naive child?

And really, Is it okay to write personal and heartfelt things on here? I have many in the works, but one of my fragments told me off (ps: He’s Scary). Maybe some of you would find it interesting to know how I ended up in such a fragemented state to begin with? Anyway, It’s getting late. See ya round.

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2 thoughts on “What would It be Like to feel again?

  1. I think it’s absolutely fine to put personal stuff on here or things that people don’t necessarily want to hear or even agree with. If all people write is what people already know or just want to hear then we’ll never challenge, educate or stimulate people’s intellect. You. Are. Welcome. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I suppose that’s a fair point to make. Hmm.. Though it is rather disheartening to pour you heart into something and find that nobody cared to read it.
    I’ve never been very good at the whole opinion thing.

    Like

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