I seem to have made a terrible mess of things.

mirall

Hello. This isn’t anything insightful, or anything really. It’s just me talking. Because I have nowhere else to go. (it’s A Rant. Yes.)If that doesn’t interest you, go away. I just need to vent. If nobody reads this, that’s okay. I will have actual posts soon. Don’t mistake my bluntness for malevolence. What am I talking about? Well… according to modern psychology, Have Aspergers. (keep in mind all this is just thought forms/and only exist in the mind, not reality) . Well, The proper name is asperger’s syndrome, Which is now a defunct label and simply falls under the umbrella of ASD and so on bla bla bla. Can I get on with it? And despite what many people may think, We actually have feelings. We’re not monsters. And we have learned over many years that expressing any of these feelings elicits horrible responses from people, and have often learned to lock them in a deep dark cave where even I can’t find them.

But Like all things suppresed and left in the dark to fester and grow, they will come back with a vengence. It might seem like some silly slight that I’ve “Overreacted to” but it was just the thing that opened the floodgates to a pit of rage and despair.

Mine generally take the form running off/storming out of whatever stupid situation people have put me in (consequences be damned!). Bin Kicking and book tossing optional. I’ve managed so not explode for years. Years! Well, Not properly.

So, Let me begin by saying that I’ve been having serious problems sleeping. The night before, I just gave up trying entirely and stayed up all night. And For some reasons I need about 10 or 12 hours sleep to function properly. Not sure why people only need 8? It’s strange, really. I can keep going, through sheer force of will. “Sack of flesh, You WILL MOVE. OBEY.” Sigh. Maybe we are monsters after all. So I wasn’t exactly in the best state of mind.

I hate the way normal people always plod along in the most infuriating manner. Imagine If you tried that with someone who was missing a leg!  Introduce yourself. or try to make us say stuff you could find by read the darn WORDS on the paper in front of you instead of bombarding me with questions you stupid people who don’t know how to leave well enough alone. Can’t you see the danger signs? Are you blind? (also, this isn’t the first time) Anybody who knows anything about autism would be backing off. I’m not blinking, I’m staring into space. I’ve just moved my chair backwards, and packed my stuff up Don’t push me! You already filled the room with people wayy to close to me. I was doing your stupid assignment until then. And As I’ve since learned, People really close are entering your Auric field. I’ve learned how to shield. But that takes concentration. mind was fizzing out.

Okay, Here’s the situation: I’m currently receiving unemployment benefits from the government. Heaven knows I tried to get a disability pension. But as I was told that someone who didn’t even have Hand, Hands! Even they couldn’t get it either. The system is actually broken. I live in australia, by the way. So I’m a ‘job seeker’ and I have to turn up at some stupid employment place every week. A place that is ‘supposed’ to be ‘disability’ employment, I might add (which clearly has no idea how to handle an aspie). (was never meant to happen, I screwed something up.)

Maybe I’ve said some dumb things. Maybe I’ve miscomunicated. What a surprise! It’s almost like Interpersonal communication is an area in which I’m inhibited. Or a intolerance of certain textures and sensations and so on. Hey, Any of you use a satin pillowcase as well? I

red_20satin_20pillow_20case_original
Looks kinda like that, yeah?

using a normal one once. I was up and in the cupboards faster than you can say: It’s not that big of a deal, right? *shudder* I can’t help the way I am. Why should people bend and twist to accommodate me or anyone else? neurotypicals seem to forget just how many absurd allowances we make for them. Apparently the truth is the most offensive, horrible thing one could ever utter. How dare I burst your stupid bubble?

I have cool sandals now. I’m happy. I just do things differently. That’s all. Why do people insist on putting square pegs through round holes? Hey, Even noticed that round pegs go circle-in-squarethrough square holes just fine? (provided the cur So Bring on the Square Holes! Fun for the whole family. Can I adapt? Yes. And I have done so, time and time again. But sometimes if I accomodate your world any more would mean to become nothing more than an empty shell. I’ve already lost most of my sense of self. I feel… Twisted. It’s why I wrote so many selfish things on here in the past. I’m trying to cling to what little I have left.

I should be distraught. I’m going to lose any sort of income If I’m not careful. But I feel nothing. At least I have some money in the bank. I’ll be alright for a month or so. But after that? Ah, It’s almost like I want it all to fall apart. I just wish society could make up it’s mind. If it hates us so much why can’t it give us a little money every fortnight so we can leave each other in peace? I don’t ask for much. perhaps you confuse wants and needs but we don’t.

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10 thoughts on “I seem to have made a terrible mess of things.

  1. Sorry to ‘like’ a post in which you are clearly having a frustrating time. It’s just that you have written so clearly how it feels to be forced into someone else’s vision of ‘normal’ when you can be perfectly happy and well being just the way you are. I hope things improve for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Having just looked up ‘Aspergers’ I conclude it seems to be a mixture of admirable traits coupled with intelligence, a refusal to conform, and an intense sensitivity. I don’t give much credit to ‘modern psychology’, especially since it was declared, in lock step around the world, that a desire to eat ‘organic food’, is a form of ‘mental illness’. (I even found this one – The psychiatric community has even deemed creativity to be a mental illness -.Naturalsociety.com). Where does that leave us? You have practicalities to consider. You will have to try to play the game. I wish I could say more. I am surprised to learn you are in Australia. I had thought you were in the U.K. Perhaps we are even neighbours.

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  3. Hope the rant helped a bit. Don’t have any shreds of comfort to offer, I’m afraid. Just know that in my loooong experience (almost 40 years – god!) working in education and mentoring young people who are wired differently to ‘the norm’, I’d say aspies are without doubt the most misunderstood and badly-treated group of all. That’s because you’re so damned GOOD at showing your obvious intelligence and ‘they’ can’t see past that.

    I got some good stuff recently on why you’re different. Will blog about it when I get the chance.

    Hang on in there, play their stupid game as far as you can but don’t believe a word they say when they put you down. The fools are so lucky to have aspies in their midst. They just haven’t got it yet.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad somone gets it at least. But I feel so angry! It feels bottomless, primal almost. I hate this feeling. Yeah. I keep hearing that. “But you’re really clever, you’ll be fine!” Ugh. And those fake smiles that fade so quickly turn to ash when faced with honesty. Though I hate to say that some of those ‘assigments’ leave me confounded and utterly inable to complete them, intelligence be damned.
      Ugh. Call things what they are for goodness sake.
      Is that the one you just put up on our enhanced senses? Because you are correct. I found this out while doing reiki. I put them all to shame with how easily I could feel and manipulate the energy from the get-go.
      On the other hand, I still haven’t figured out how to wash my hair now it’s longer. (you should have seen the look on my hairdressers face!)
      I’m not sure if I can keep on living here. (earth) It’s sad, really.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, it is that one about the senses. After reading your post, I knew I had to make time to get it out there.
        You know, as one of the commenters on my post pointed out, Will – despite his challenges – is rather lucky to have access through my strange abilities to the aspect of his persona who can see the bigger picture. It occurs to me that you would benefit hugely from similar intervention from time to time. Since the ‘conversations’ (don’t know what else to call them) are non-local, you being on the other side of the world from me would make no difference. I know you’ve been fairly dismissive about channelling in the past, but if you wanted me to give it a go, all you’d need to do is email me your real name and the questions you would like answered. You can be as blunt as you like. I’d do my best to make contact and email the response straight to you, then delete it from my computer. And I certainly wouldn’t blog about it. (Will has given me permission to write about him.)
        My email address is janstone@btopenworld.com .
        Entirely up to you whether you take this up. I won’t be bothered if you’d rather not. I’d just like to help.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You would do that? I’m touched. Anyway, I feel I should Explain myself about channeling: I’m not against it per se, rather that what the enitities claim to be and what they acually are are often entirely different. Hey, I’ve started reading a book called: Sirens call- Hungry ghosts. So far it’s really interesting. I will probably take you up on your offer.
        I really am touched though.

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      3. You’re reading a book – great!
        And yes, of course I’d do that for you. You are an amazing person and I have gained so much understanding from being allowed to share in your strikingly honest and uncompromising comments on life and the challenges you face. You have so much to teach the world.

        This is probably overkill (if so just ignore it) but someone who read my post left this comment on it today. She said she wanted me to share it with Will, but I immediately thought how much it also applies to you, so here it is:
        Each person/form of life that comes into existence has a reason/purpose for coming into existence (Nature is too intelligent to just let things come into existence for nothing, and even if it was for nothing, that ‘nothing’ has a purpose, surely), and their set of gifts/abilities (and disabilities) comes with the whole package of their reason for coming into existence. The sooner people realise that, the faster they would go about doing their ‘job’/minding their own ‘business.’ Please also do tell Will this. From what you wrote in your post, he is also ‘burdened’ by his abilities. I am reminded of some wise person’s prayer/advise that say “…you are exactly how you are meant to be.’

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  4. If you feel I could be of some assistance, practical or otherwise, please feel free to contact me also. I have been around for quite a while, so perhaps we could both derive some benefit from the exchange of accumulated experience. Also I would like to have you create some poetry to accompany some of my paintings a bit later this year if you would agree to do so.
    (P.S. Hair does not need to be washed. It is self cleansing, although it takes some unpleasant weeks to regain this state. If you have to wash hair, best to use only water and try to dilute the natural oils as little as possible.)

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    1. How would we get in contact? at the minute though just talking here is sufficent for me. Before I agree to do that, Can see the kind of stuff you have painted in the past? If it doesn’t speak to me I can’t help you. (though I suspect it will seeing as you were ‘drawn to my style’ as you put it. But I would be happy to try.
      As for not washing hair, I tried that a few years ago. the results were… not pretty. (and it smelled awful I hear. people refused to elaborate further than that) Everyone’s hair is different and mine is curly, thick and oily to boot. I wonder if one would have to improve one’s diet and health before such an effect was possible?

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  5. You can contact me through this email klspaint@gmail.com. Copy it down and use it whenever you feel so inclined.
    Of course you would need to see the paintings and you may well not like them. I am not sure I like many of them myself. My beliefs and attitudes are in a constant state of flux and you have made quite a contribution to that, In part directly and in part as a catalyst. A sage once said ‘The purpose of Art is to loose yourself in the process’. I expect my future paintings to be quite different to the recent ones, in intent, if not in style. (Hence later in the year).

    Also, I am trying to construct a different approach to exhibiting art and thus poetry, your style, could well be a feature to assist with this. I won’t say too much more in such a public forum until the ideas have been worked out and brought somewhere near fruition.
    I have been through the centrelink mill in the past and may be able to pass on a few of those experiences such as may be helpful to you.
    Thanks for what you do. You are just starting out whereas I can see the finishing post looming into my view. They say perseverance is a virtue and perhaps it is.

    Liked by 1 person

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