So, It’s been a while?

So. Hello. I’m still here, if anyone is still listening to this particular avenue of blogging. I’m not quite sure just how long it has been. So, what have I been doing? Also, this post is kinda heavy, sorry about that. I’m talking about my past among other things. Fair warning.

Hmmm… Well, If you’ve been around here for a while you’d know that I have Aspergers and struggle very much with the day to day grind. So I’ve been learning how to grocery shop, all on my own. (self-serve is a godsend) Hey, it turns out that vegan food is wierd. and expensive. Honestly, why would you make soy cheese? Tofu sausages? they are terrible! On the other hand, the lentil burger recipe that my sister gave me the recipe for is amazing! (so simple and easy) If anyone wants it I’ll put it in the comments. Goodness me, I really need to stop buying cheap junk and feeling sick because it’s “fun to play human.” (my mind is a strange place)  Stupid Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread) jars. Stupid cinnamon doughnuts. I don’t even like either of them. That’s the stupidest part. Dried pears, on the other hand… Yum.

Well, Let me just say the last few weeks/months whatever it’s been have been rather intense. Some old Issues have come up, namely a person I used to know. Well, I thought they were my best friend. Actually, They were a controlling, abusive narcissist.

Why do I say this? Isn’t throwing round those sorts of accusations a bit much? Oh, I assure you it isn’t. Say, have you noticed that I’ve been way, way to forward and open here on the internet? almost like the boundaries are broken between self and other? Yeah, that would be why.  Oh. My. Goodness. Heaven forbid you not want to tell them something (like my deepest secrets, like cross-dressing or gender dysphoria). Prepare to get nagged (interrogated) for 4 hours straight, and they won’t let you leave. Prepare to be rang every time at 1:00 pm after lunch, and walk around for 4 hours. This continued for at least a year, if not longer. Prepare to be at the newsagents and they won’t let you leave until you’ve bought a diary. Repeat that with a million other things, and you get an idea of how horribly controlling they were.

Saying one thing one day, then denying the next. agreeing with you that something happened, then mocking you for the idea later. Creating a puffed up image of themselves, and being deliberately vague about their life in order to create that sense of mystery.  I only saw how horrible they are recently, when they sent me an e-mail out of the blue. Anyway, long story short I’ve grown as a person since I last saw them, and I wasn’t having any of that. See, nothing is ever their fault. It’s always your fault. how dare I try and point out what went wrong in our relationship and talk about it like adults so we can both do better next time? See, I was “insulting” them. How dare I? Look, I’m not perfect. I know that. But I also know it takes two to tango. I made about one mistake. that was enough. How Dare I, right?

it gets kind of confusing because they also have Aspergers and that has many symptoms in common with narcissism. But If I may speak frankly? . in their case, they manage to be both. See, they liked to “drop” people when they do things they don’t like or when ‘hanging out’ with them isn’t “fun” anymore. This time they did it it was the 4th time they’ve pulled that sort of nonsense. I don’t hate people easily. I tend to seek the source. Why are you angry? Why? And I know them. I know them really well. And for the past few weeks, the darkest thoughts have been going through my mind. Blackened hearts and darkened skies. “You have slighted me for the last time. You shall beget my sorrow.  I just want them to burn. I want them to rot away and the maggots crawl around in their skull and the birds pluck their eyes from their sockets. I wanted them to suffer as I’ve suffered.”

That’s not me. That’s very out of character. I don’t hate easily. To be honest, I feel terribly indifferent to most things. nor do I trust easily. Why is it that the one who was closest to me was such a terrible being? And yet, Perhaps I can heal. I didn’t understand before. I though I was grotesque, horrible. I though there was something profoundly wrong with me. After all, I deserved to be constantly insulted, didn’t I? I deserved to be abandoned. I was too sensitive, too emotional. Too defensive. Gosh, that last one cracks me up. It’s like a person is trying to murder you and exclaiming: why won’t you just lie down and let me stab you like a good little girl? Ah, they said some downright horrible things to me.

“How dare you have different beliefs!?” they seem to say. How I’m not transgendered and how my mind isn’t fragmented and how I “NEED HELP”. and accusing me of being a narcissist (which is why I started looking into it. turns out projection is their bread and butter.). oh, none it made any sense. It contradicted things they said in the past, to boot. It was sad, really. Just a wounded ego lashing out. If only it wasn’t so infuriating. I was so angry. Sad because in rare moments of honesty, I saw a real person. I remember.  I don’t wish to live in a world of lies and pretense. I’m tired of it. All of it. So I’m going to strive to be me. Just me. Not the snacking sage who knows about Philosophy, or sacred geometry or occult teachings. The sage who , likes dried pears and porridge. The sage who hates shoes and makes funny animal noises when they are excited. See, the bigger you try and puff yourself up to be, the smaller you are. That’s what I think.

 

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6 thoughts on “So, It’s been a while?

    1. Hello. I didn’t think you were still around. But hey- it’s not like I’ve been writing anything to read, so small wonder. Thank you for the comment.
      Also, I was wondering whether you still wanted me to write poetry for that art you were making? It has been a while.

      Like

  1. Good to see you back, Sage, and to watch you growing into further and deeper understanding of what’s involved in ‘playing human’.
    I’d never really thought about how it would work if two people with Aspergers formed a close friendship; most of the ones I know are either very solitary or form relationships with NTs. Would it lead to a deeply shared experience and greater mutual understanding? Absolutely not! None of you is a sheep. Only when you’re ‘playing human’ in its most superficial and banal way do you even attempt to follow the crowd. It’s your utter uniqueness and uncompromising individuality – every single one of you – which sets you apart and makes you so puzzling/ inspiring/ irritating/ amazing to the rest of us.
    There’s so much the rest of us need to learn from those like you, and eloquent writers like yourself assist us in that. Thanks.
    PS Sorry to use the ‘us’ and ‘you’ terminology. It’s a very inadequate shorthand for something far more complex, but I know you get what I’m saying.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, I’m glad to be back writing, not so much to have spilled all my secrets again despite my best efforts not to try and regain some sense of control.
      Oh, and I’m sorry I haven’t replied to your e-mail. I’ve been a little distressed of late so I haven’t managed to get to it. I will get on that asap.

      Maybe it would be helpful If I wrote a sort of guide on how to stop ones senses from being overwhelmed?

      in my experience ‘we’/ our kind, whatever do not gel well with one another. But this person was just horrible. I don’t think it would be the same all the time. others I found when you talk to them they just stare blankly. It’s really hard to talk when there is no feedback. no thank you, no nothing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. A guide to stopping your senses being overwhelmed would be wonderful. I mean us lot try to understand and be helpful (well some of us do…) but from your perspective it would be great, and truly helpful to so many people.
        No rush for email reply. Life gets in the way. I know that.
        Take care x

        Liked by 1 person

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