Hello There. I don’t know who is reading this, or if they know anything about me. Anyway, I don’t like my body very much. I’d much rather have a different one.
To be honest though, I’ve become rather resentful of being open about it. Should I be sorry for existing? Apparently I just want to be a special snowflake (I got that one from a “friend I’d known for years”.) I love dysphoria. I just love it sooo much. I mean, who doesn’t want crippling depression, constant stress and mild insanity (split personality anyone?) Anyway, I doubt I have anyone like that reading this. After all, I’m not linked to social media. That was on purpose. Ah. I don’t want to be a downer. Actually, I am rather excited. Just under 2 weeks (the 24th) until my appointment! Well, with a psychologist, anyway. I didn’t like the other one. Among other things. It’s a long story. And I took that post down. Thank goodness. That was over a year ago. (December 2015. I beg of you not to look.)
And you might be wondering what the hell took me so long if my dysphoria is THAT bad? Well, I guess I can be a “little” bit stubborn sometimes? I mean, what kind of long-term effects can these medications have? This is uncharted territory, to parrot someone else. Are they even designed for this kind of use? Sigh… (I’m very against medication, if you can’t tell) So I tried dabbling in alternate methods instead. I cast some dumb “Wiccan” spell and insisted that I wasn’t going to take any medication, and that was that. You know, it wasn’t a complete failure. all you had to do was mediate and focus. But all I really succeeded in doing was making it painful to lie on my tummy. And having growing pains. So we gave up on that. But! We found something wayyy better at the start of last year. What’s the word for it? Hypnosis? Subliminal audio files? Anyway, I dabbled in that. Still dabbling, to be honest. I guess you could call it doing the former but- “on steroids”. And The most bizarre part? I’d say it actually works-albeit rather slowly. I don’t feel like trying convince you of this though. I’m not stupid.
It also makes it really hard to listen to someone rant about BIOLOGY and FACTS when you are seemingly succeeding with screwing with reality. Maybe I am delusional. I really don’t know anymore. The changes seem to come and go. And The tears in my eyes, they tell a story, don’t they? I.. Just want to be me. Is that so much to ask? Now I’m even wavering again. Medications scare me. Hey, do you have to get a blood test when you see an endocrinologist? Or maybe they need your height and weight? I don’t really know. why am I asking the internet? Maybe I just want to ramble.
I just want to know if I can take herbs or something… Though the flesh belies the spirit, we remain unchanged. Anyway, I’m sleep deprived and it’s coloring my mood. One last thing: I feel like writing about gender and stuff. Anyone interested?