Gender Dysphoria and the danger of forgetting who you are.

What Ignites your passions? Invigorates you? Makes you get up at night wondering when you can start? It doesn’t matter what it is. Can you feel it?  What do you love to do? Can you remember or has the body you can feel just out of reach left you an empty shell? Not too long ago I tried out one of those fancy smartphone filters that makes you look really pretty. For a bit it was fun, and then something hit me: So what? I feel empty inside. Here is one if you are curious. I don’t want to end up like one of those shallow teenage girls, all skin and no substance.P80325-113544

Am I slender hands and narrow shoulders? Are long eyelashes or cute little thighs things that I can’t live without? These are the things I wanted for myself. Did I get them? A little. But lately I’m realising that in the end they don’t make me happy on their own. I’m starting to remember that I’m a person, not just a pained bundle of longing for a body I don’t have.

I’m sure I wasn’t alone in that, either. The internet certainly twisted it.mNothing more needs to be said on that account. But since I started hormone replacement, I’ve stopped looking up the “weird”(don’t ask) stuff on the net, had just about every joint in body my shift around to a degree I never though would be possible along with Some rather startling and wonderful mental changes.

I still can hardly believe I’m doing this. broad Shoulders? na. Not anymore. it what I always dreamed of becoming? No. But I also don’t feel any physical distress. Yeah. Maybe I’ll never have the body I can see in my mind’s eye. Maybe I’m forever doomed to have the body of a teenage boy.  Will it stop me from being happy though? Or doing the things I love doing? I guess for me I’ve had a change of perspective. My aims for transition were high and lofty ones. I wanted to be a certain way. But instead, I’ve found a sense of contentment within myself. My god, I hated myself so much.

Who says A woman can’t be six feet tall (Or 5/11) anyway ? I certainly know the sites I shop on sell out like wildfire so I’m clearly not the only one. *Sigh.* It’s not about me. It’s about something bigger than that.  I’m saying this because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been accused of being narcissistic because I was staring in the mirror for the millionth time. All I wanted was to find a glimpse of myself.

But now I’m realising that what I am is something more fundamental. It’s me flying along as my feet scarcely touch the ground. It’s Smiling to myself while reading a good book. It’s Going to visit a lonely person and share a nice hot meal. It’s about that sense of stillness, that goes on regardless of what’s going on around me. Or maybe just doing some good old fashioned colouring. That’s who I am. WIN_20180324_17_26_44_Pro

Who are you?

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